OK, so the whole ‘
week of silence’ idea didn’t really pan out, but just pretend it’s still the same week when I wrote about dieting and body issues. My second slightly controversial topic is basically this: sex. Or, as I so eloquently put it in the title, “Lust, love, and all those other tricky L-words”. Not that I can think of any other tricky L-words right now, but it seemed like a good construct at the time!
Anyway, onto the topic at hand: lust and love. It’s something that I’ve been turning over in my mind for quite a while now, and clearly it’s one of those things that isn’t easily spoken about. This is also the first time I’ve really articulated my views, so bear with me. As I’ve grown older, I’ve begun to develop, to put it bluntly, a healthy interest in my sex life, as one presumably does. However, perhaps more rarely, I’ve begun to turn over a particular question in my mind: is it acceptable to make love with someone – for the first time, even, or just generally, at a relatively young age – for the pure pleasure of it, rather than as a reserved expression of love for someone you have waited for?
Obviously it seems to be the general consensus that you wait to have sex for the first time: you wait for someone you love. Or you wait for someone you love after the first time, or for every time. Sometimes, often for religious reasons, you commit to wait until marriage until you make love for the first time, and every time after that. This is, of course, a completely legitimate and admirable decision, and not one to be questioned or criticized, but what I’m talking about is non-religious: religious celibacy aside, is it acceptable to make love purely for the joy of it?
I have been thinking about making a short film about the topic (oh, how poetic I am!), but until that day (and trust me, you’ll be the first to know about it as I’ll post it up here), I prefer to talk it out. At first, I felt like a bit of a freak for having a ‘healthy’ sexual appetite, especially at such a young age. Despite the increasing standard of equality for women, it is still generally thought, or at least assumed in societal standards and attitudes at large, that it is not genteel for women to have an appetite for sex. Generally, women that have such an appetite are considered sexually loose and are often slandered. Men, of course, are never questioned for their desire for sex: such desire is considered ‘natural’, an ingrained and acceptable part of their nature.
The more I pondered my ‘predicament’, the more I realized that I was asking the wrong question. Rather than “Is it acceptable?” I should have been asking, “Why is it not considered acceptable?” The desire to procreate is, at its most stripped-down core, a natural instinct programmed into humankind to ensure survival. At a more psychologically complex level, it is perhaps more about feeling less alone in the world and staving off loneliness. Is it then any more natural to men than to women? Of course not! As a society, we just like to think it is. And, at risk of sounding like a feminist, it is harder to claim our power in this area as women as we are almost fighting for pejoration: if we fight for our red-blooded sexuality, we are fighting to become more animalistic, more like the men we like to condemn as sexually driven; more like animals than sentient beings. This is in direct opposition to fighting other gender disadvantages, like those in the workplace, where we fight to become more like the virtuous men who work and produce things (physical things, ideas etc.) previously thought too difficult or complex for women to achieve.
However, it is important to right wrongs – not just those done to us directly in actions but also those brought upon us in attitudes – in all areas, including the areas of work and sex. As human beings, whether we are male or female, we deserve the right to earn our own living and contribute to society just as much as we all equally deserve to couple as we will, and share our often-lonely existence with another. We also deserve to have fun! Sex doesn’t have to be a matter of pure procreation, or of love, or of psychological complexity. It can just be about pleasure, and we all have an equal right to that.
The fact is that many women do feel strong sexual desire, and it is actually quite apparent, if you know where to look. For example, I stumbled across a couple of interesting comments on glamour.com, on an article entitled “Women Confess Their 2011 Dating-o-lutions”, including the following: “I’m going to stop settling for less than I deserve just because he’s there and it’s fun and makes me feel less lonely,” and “My New Year’s resolution is to go on actual dates instead of going home with guys just to hook up.” So clearly, women do feel sexual impulses and desires just as strongly as men do - it just isn’t as widely realized or detailed in societal attitudes.
Now, you might be wondering where I’m going with all of this. I am absolutely not advocating that you just go out and have random sex with someone, just because you can, and power to the women, dammit! What I
am advocating is that you embrace your emotions and desires and not criticize or condemn yourself for having them in the first place. I am advocating that you accept yourself, and figure out what is right and powerful for you, whether that means celibacy, or waiting until you find someone you feel really strongly about, or making love with someone for the pleasure of it in the spirit of fun and good feelings and mutual understanding, from a place of health and self-understanding. I am advocating that you be safe, and above all, be true to yourself, because above all that is the most important standard to hold to throughout all of your life, rather than any standard imposed upon you by society. All in all, be safe, be happy, be healthy, and have fun. As long as you cause no harm to yourself or others, and make decisions from a balanced place of self-understanding, you should be free to make your own decision – the right one for you. That is certainly what I will be doing.
Now, about that film…
